Fair, Not Equal

    I recently met someone I hadn't seen for years. Of course, we had to catch up with each other's lives. I asked her how many grandchildren she had and she happily said, "Fifty with four more on the way." I was stunned. She is younger than me and I found it hard to believe she had that many grandchildren. She went on to say they married young, had nine children, and some of them have twelve or thirteen children. I still found it hard to believe but I'm sure she was not mistaken. 

    I told her our oldest son has no children, the second one adopted his, our daughter has three, and the two youngest sons each have one. She said, "Then you don't have very many grandchildren." I suppose her next statement was intended to be sympathetic or comforting but she flippantly said, "Life is fair; it's just not equal."

   My first reaction was to think that's one way to put it. But the more I thought about it, I decided she was actually telling me she does not understand the grief of infertility. Grandmas who collect grandchildren by the dozen with no difficulty cannot understand how grandmothers grieve with their children when they are unable to have babies. We grieve for a child who never was as much as for one who died after birth.  

    It's so easy to give pat answers when we have not experienced what others are going through. That is true whether it's infertility, death, financial problems, wayward children, or you name it. We can spout off verses to trust in the Lord, or whatever, but that does not necessarily bring the comfort we think it will.

   When we had a stillborn son, someone said now I would be able to comfort others who have the same experience in the future. I knew that was true and nodded but my heart screamed, I don't want to comfort other people. I want my baby. "You have a family started in heaven." I don't want a family in heaven; I want my baby here with me. "I guess if you never had him in your home you don't miss him." What? I had him in my heart and I do miss him.

    Those who offered the most comfort were the ones who had walked the same road before us. I could tell by their faces and tone of voice that they understood. They could empathize, which goes much deeper than sympathy. 

     I'm sure I am guilty of saying things that hurt instead of helped when someone was going through something I never experienced. Or perhaps more often NOT saying something when I should have. It stings to hear someone say, "Life is fair; it's just not equal" when it doesn't feel fair. 

   I am not bitter about the way things have gone for us because I believe God knows what He is doing and someday we will understand. I have accepted the way things are and am thankful for what we do have. This comment was a reminder to me to think before I speak and try to be more understanding.      

    

The Extra Years

   We're in the eighth month of the year and it's been unusually full of doctor appointments in our family. Everything was going smoothly until March 17 when Leroy had a heart attack and wound up in the hospital getting three stents put in an artery that was 100% blocked. Fortunately, we caught it in time and there was no damage to his heart. But he had a month of therapy and months of getting his glucose under control with diet and medicine.

   The next day (March 18) our oldest son was hurt at work. His index finger was smashed, a hole slashed in the top of his right hand and a tendon torn. The hand was pinned together in surgery and immobile for weeks. After it healed, he had months of therapy to regain the use of the hand. He was finally able to go back to work at the end of July but is still doing therapy at home twice a day to regain strength in the hand.

   I was having trouble with a tingling weak leg and right arm, so I went for a month of therapy in May. I had good results but am still doing the therapy at home.

    An eye exam in June showed that my cataracts had grown to the extent that my vision could no longer be corrected with glasses. It was time to have the cataracts removed. I had the first one done yesterday and the second one will be done in September.

   Our second son is also having a cataract removed this month. About twenty years ago his eye was injured at work and he had surgery on it. That injury may have contributed to the cataract growing before he is an old man. He will have his surgery done the same place I did.

   We also have two brothers-in-law who are recovering from major surgeries. One had a serious infection after surgery and is wearing a wound vac to keep the wound clean. The other, who had been on dialysis four years, received a kidney transplant this week.

    A lot of things have gotten worse in this world during my lifetime, but medicine is one thing that has improved with the passing of time. The medical help we got this year was not possible years ago. God has allowed man to learn things never known before. People with the conditions mentioned above either died or were crippled for life. The medicines I take for rheumatoid arthritis were not available and people with RA were confined to a wheelchair with constant pain.

   Much as I enjoy history and old things, I'm glad I'm living in this era rather than hundreds of years ago. The aches and pains that go with old age can be treated. With the advances in the medical field, people are living longer than they used to. The challenge is to be sure we make good use of the extra years we are given. Sure, we lose strength as we age and can no longer do what we once did, but we can be just as active in Kingdom work in different ways.  Retirement years should not be spent in pleasure seeking and entertainment. There is always something we can do for the Lord. Ultimately, He is the One who gives life and healing.